Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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