There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He shit in the fireplace
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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