My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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