I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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