...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
