Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
