I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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