my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
