Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
