that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
