thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
