tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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