I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
