He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
