you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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