my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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