Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
