can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
