well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
