Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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