we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
