I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
