I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
