I wish I could punch you in the face.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
