Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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