idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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