Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
