Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Randomize
