Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
