I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
