Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
