Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
