i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
