I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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