So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
