Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
