38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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