You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
