Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well I just put wine in my tea
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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