My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just pynch a tree in the face
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
