that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
