i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
