what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
