i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
