When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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