he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
