a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
