you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
