Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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