It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
